Just Sayin

I have this blog post rolling around in my head.

In my perfect world I could just say everything I want to and then go on my merry way. After all, it's not like anyone reads this blog. (And I want to go on record saying that that is ok...I started this blog as a sort of personal journal anyway. In fact, I almost opened it under another account and fictitious name.)

I'm not even sure WHY I would want to say some of this on a public forum.

????????


Pressing onward.

I am bothered by things.

I am bothered by the fact that I just ate 2/3 of an Entenmann's Butter Loaf Cake.

That's five (5) slices.

F-I-V-E.

By myself.

With Reddi Wip on top. And not even one measly strawberry or slice of banana to pretend to make it "healthy".



I am bothered that hubby ran out of clean socks yesterday.

Yes.

Really.

Go ahead and laugh. This is a big deal to me.

After all. Clean socks for hubby has been part of my job description for almost 26 years. You would THINK I would have it mastered by now.

Check the drawer.

Oh, my! No clean socks.

WASH SOME!

And as he told me (grumpily) he had to wear BLACK DRESS SOCKS to work. And they kept sliding down in his boots.

Very annoying, I'm sure.



I am bothered (very) by the frustration I feel toward Julia at times. I mean, it's not like she ASKED to be disabled.

But sometimes I want to scream. (I don't.)

And sometimes I want to cry (I do...rarely.)

And sometimes I just plain worry. (Often.)

Like...what will I do when ALL the older children are gone?

And...what will I do when she's bigger than I am?

And...will I still be changing poopy diapers when she's 30?

And...when she is 30 I will be 76.

Yes.

76.

Ummmm...that's really old to be changing diapers.



Onward.

I went to bed last night with dishes in the sink.

Fail.

Now...this may seem minor to you...but I cannot remember the last time I went to bed with dirty dishes.

This is major to me.

It may be 3:00 in the morning, but I don't put this weary body in the bed till the dishes are clean.

And the house is completely straight.

And Julia's clothes are laid out...her backpack prepped...her lunch packed and in the fridge.

And dinner planned for the next day.

And breakfast prepped.

And the coffee pot set up.

AND CLEAN SOCKS ARE IN DAVID'S DRAWER.

(Those socks are really bothering me.)

I. Do. Not. Leave. Messes. Overnight.

(Unless, of course, there is a whole houseful of cousins sleeping over, jumping on the beds and slamming in and out of the house till dawn. THEN messes are inevitable. I mean THE BEST time to play in 10 wooded acres is at night. With a flashlight.

That's an acceptable exception.

Last night's mess was laziness. Plain and simple.)

AND before anyone thinks that all of this is blown WAY out of proportion (it is) you have to understand that it represents a very serious backsliding into days I would rather forget forever.

Very serious.

The ground is slipping even now.



Onward.

I wonder. A lot.

I wonder what people would think if they knew that Julia was sitting beside me (on the couch) crumbling the last 1/3 of the Butter Loaf Cake into the upholstery.

Or that I haven't made a hot breakfast for over a week.

(Really and truly. 8 days to be precise.)

And I make hot breakfast 7 days a week. It's part of my job description. And I love it. But I've been SO TIRED lately...that extra 45 minutes of sleep has meant more to me than blessing my family.

WARNING - WARNING...slippery slope ahead!!!



Or if they knew how carefully I frame each picture I take so that none of the imperfections in my house show.

Like walls that are framed in, but not even sheet rocked.

Or if they had any idea how many bags of garbage are out in the pile waiting to be burnt.

Because we can't burn in summer.

And it's been a dry winter.

And David just plain doesn't want to do it.



I wonder what would be the reaction if they knew how inadequate and ineffective I feel sometimes.

(Read: MOST of the time.)

And how I LONG to be so much more than I am.

And that under my cheerful smile and calm exterior I really want to scream and cry.

And sometimes I DON'T WANT to be positive.

And I DON'T WANT to be cheerful.

And my life is JUST AS nuts, crazy, mixed-up, worrisome, scary as theirs is.

And sometimes I don't want to do the dishes.

And I don't check the drawer for clean socks.

And I eat loaf cake with Reddi Wip all day long. And nothing healthy OR homemade.

And sometimes I don't want to be patient.

And I don't want to be kind.

Sad, but true.



Now...I want to interrupt this rant/complaint fest to say that I KNOW these are first world problems. And I KNOW that there are starving, abused, sexually exploited children all over the world. And I KNOW that in the grand scheme of things this of very little (if any) importance. I KNOW.



Ok...ok...onward.

Almost there.



What now?

Now I get off this couch.

And I change Julia's diaper.

(Because...believe me...that's a number 1, A list priority right now.

Then I go have myself a good old-fashioned prayer meeting. Just me and God.

(And Julia )

'Cause really, that's what this is all about.

And I will repent for my stinky attitude and self-pity and laziness.

And I will pray for my family.

And I will pray for all those children around the world who need encouragement, strength, blessing, and provision more than I do.

Then I will clean up the cake...fold the socks and put them away...and wash the dishes...and take some medicine because all that cake really has my tummy upset.

And I will put the clean sheets on the bed...and finish supper...and give Julia her shower.

And I will serve supper...and WASH THE DISHES...and prep breakfast.

I will set the coffee pot...lay out Julia's clothes...make her lunch...prep her back pack.

And set meat for tomorrows supper in the fridge to thaw.

And tidy the house.

And tuck in my little sweeties and thank Jesus for giving them to me. All of them.

I will pray for my children who still live here at home and for the ones who have moved out.

And then I will take a shower and go to bed.

And tomorrow I will have my groove back.

(I hope.)

Onward.