As every new year progresses there seems to be an underlying theme that slowly emerges.
What proved to be the theme for 2011 did not take long to manifest itself as we joyfully struggled through weddings for not one, but two of our five daughters.
Last years theme was survival, and at times I doubted our chances of succeeding.
Being completely immersed in weddings last year (4 total as Ryan married Johanna in December and Nina married Rich in April, in addition to Alyssa and Aubrey in May and Nick and Victoria in August) there were times I felt completely overwhelmed. The emotional element and the effect of changing family dynamics cannot be understated.
By the time my sweet Victoria's wedding rolled around on August 27th I was approaching complete burnout. But we pushed on and with the help of literally dozens of generous and talented people all of these major events concluded happily.
The weeks following Victoria's wedding were very...surreal...for me.
After Alyssa was married I was immediately plunged into preparation for Victoria's nuptials. I really did not have time to process the fact that she had left home. My time and attention were immediately turned to the details of Victoria's celebration.
13 weeks is not much time to recover and resurrect creativity, finances, and energy.
Rushing headlong toward the wedding week there were times I felt as if I were in another world altogether...someone else's world. I could not figure out how my neat, quiet, ordered existence had been transformed into this insane gallop toward the finish line.
Sparing details, near misses, potential disasters and practical financial ruin () I am happy to say that both of my sweet girls, Nina, and Ryan are all happily married and busily creating their own futures. It is a joy every day to watch them love, grow, live, and develop their own families.
We here at home, on the other hand, also had to learn and grow. We had to embrace change...and even positive change can be painful.
Suddenly our little house went from bursting with 10 family members to a quiet...almost somber at times...5.
Rush, Brittany and baby David James moved to Rio Linda with Brittany's parents for a time, and now have their own little place. (So proud of them! )
One day I realized there were no little 1 year old footsteps echoing through our house. No high chair in the dining room. Fewer toys in the playroom. That giggles and curly hair and sloppy, sweet kisses were not a part of my daily life any more.
I no longer listened for Victoria to arrive home from work in the evening. I no longer heard her singing about the house. She no longer came and perched beside me on the arm of the sofa to share details of her day.
Alyssa was gone too. My sunshine girl who clanged around the kitchen creating lovely things and who always had time to make up a story for Julia.
The silence at times was deafening.
Julia started the new school term.
Susanna left with David each morning at 7. She is working 2 jobs, and taking night classes at CRC...she does not return till 10 every evening.
Only Olivia and I are at home every day now.
It is strange, I tell you. Strange.
Coming to terms with the changes, and with the strangeness of our new reality was not only difficult for me, but for Olivia and Julia as well.
For me it was the loss of the hustle and bustle of a full-to-the-brim-and-overflowing house.
It was the relinquishing of daily oversight and concern for my girls, and releasing them to the capable care of their new husbands.
It was the lack of longstanding daily contact.
Suddenly I saw my girls only a couple of times a week...not every day.
Desultory conversations...the daily happenstance of living together...were gone. I missed the "Hey, mom! What's for dinner?" and the "Can I borrow your...(fill in the blank)." You know how sisters are.
24 years of having children.
7 children with all their attendant joys and struggles.
Homeschooling for 18 years.
Yes.
I am very used to having my kids around.
For Olivia and Julia the missing was acute.
Being disabled Julia is often not given credit for being as cognizant of her surroundings as she really is. She understands a great deal more than most people...even we, her family...expect.
Her preferred method of coping was increased tantruming.
And increased stimming behaviors.
And increased aggression.
And increased self-mutilation.
(Which is just a really scary term for pulling her hair and biting herself...regardless, it's not a good thing. Trust me on this.)
We had a rough couple of months, I tell you.
Olivia became very withdrawn.
She was conflicted.
She was happy for her sisters but selfishly angry at what she perceived was their abandonment of her.
Fortunately she was able to process through her emotions pretty quickly and soon reverted to the cheerful, helpful girl I know so well. Weekly overnight visits and frequent coffee dates with her sisters helped.
A lot.
So...survival was the theme of 2011.
Just cope.
Just make it all happen...and hopefully with some modicum of success.
Re-learn...re-direct...release.
Now we are 27 days into 2012 and I feel the burgeoning awareness of a new theme. Gently and quietly it has impressed itself upon me...intruding so lightly into my consciousness as to be almost ignored.
This years theme is growth.
Last year was a year of change...a year of effort...a year of paralyzing emotion.
This is the year to grow.
To become.
To grow new relationships. To nurture existing ones.
To develop new and better habits. To strengthen tried and true methods.
To embrace greater ideas and bigger dreams, and to hold fast to old promises and believe in old prayers.
I want to grow in my love for Jesus.
I want to grow in my love for my husband.
I want to grow in my relationships with each of my children and their spouses.
I want to see growth in my personal life, in my family, and on our little patch of earth here in the Grove.
I don't want to take any important relationship in my life for granted.
I want to treasure my family and friends and church family with an unprecedented passion and commitment.
I want to become more than I have ever been.
I want to do more than I have ever done.
For God.
And for my family.
I want to learn new things and try things that have been lurking in the back of my mind for a long time.
I want to develop gifts and talents that have long laid dormant in my life.
I want to give of myself more freely, love more purely, laugh more easily, and be more thoughtful, gentle, encouraging, and fun.
I want to fling open the doors of my home and my heart in joyful welcome.
There are dreams to catch and vision to cast...and most importantly...love to give.
So...I forge into 2012 with these two quotes as my motto:
Exercise Integrity in the Moment of Choice
-Stephen Covey
and
Do Common Things Uncommonly Well
-John D. Rockefeller
Here's to the sunshine and showers of 2012 that will foster growth!
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