Am I Doing Enough?

I recently read a heartfelt blog post written by a wonderful mother I have been friends with for decades. This woman is truly an exceptional parent and her children reflect her firm-but-loving parenting and her beautiful spirit.

In her post she spoke movingly of milestones her children were meeting, of years passing too swiftly, and of the paralyzing fear that grips every parent as their children approach the brink of adulthood...am I doing ENOUGH?

She asked some hard questions but the one that stood out to me was this one:

"Have I taught them everything they need to know?"

I completely understand her.

I have asked the same rhetorical questions of myself.

Here is the answer that has come echoing gently back to me...

No parent can teach their child EVERYTHING they need to know.

No parent can prepare their child for EVERY circumstance they will face.

No parent can scan the horizon of their child's future with enough foresight to predict how that future will unfold.

You may prepare your child for one thing and they may choose something completely different.

You may work to develop skills in a child that they never utilize once they strike out on their own.

You may lovingly tend a path, imagining your child treading it, only to find yourself shading your eyes to catch a glimpse of them as they walk along another chosen way.

Some parts of our futures are chosen by us. Other parts are thrust upon us by circumstances we do not control.

How do we prepare...give specific direction...for things we can never foresee?

Answer: We can't.

Then what can we parents do?

Throwing up our hands in despair is not an option.

Slumping our shoulders in resignation is not an acceptable reaction.

Turning our heads and ignoring difficult truths is not the answer.

Glossing over character flaws or excusing bad behavior is not acceptable.

Surrendering to our own sense if inadequacy will not serve our children best.

Again I ask: "What do we parents DO?"

We work diligently to instill PRINCIPLES in our children.

We develop character...and we try not to confuse PERSONALITY with character. (There are lots of charming swindlers with great personality and faulty characters.)

We do our best to model for our children positive ways to meet life's challenges...knowing all the while that we can never anticipate the individual challenges they will face.

When I was a girl my parents never even considered that I would have a disabled child. It was never a thought. I had absolutely no exposure to the joys or struggles of raising a child with special needs.

And when Julia was born and diagnosed with Cri du Chat Syndrome my greatest fear did not center around her disabilities. Instead it was MY lack that kept me awake at night. My lack of skill. My lack of education about special needs. My overwhelming fear of not being ENOUGH for her.

I was not prepared to parent a handicapped child.

Did my parents fail me because I was inadequate?

They never taught me about Sensory Integration Dysfunction or developmental disabilities.

I was not prepared to be changing diapers on a nine year old or to navigate the tricky labyrinth of an IEP meeting.

They never prepared me for her feeding difficulties and fragile health.

I wasn't ready for the sudden, devouring onslaught of appointments, therapists, doctors, questions, and information.

I didn't know how to answer the covert stares of complete strangers or the open curiosity of children who want to know what is "wrong" with her.

My lack of preparation for THIS PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCE was appalling.

No. There is no way they could prepare me for Julia.

However, my parents DID give me tools I needed to navigate the frightening new journey I had embarked on.

They taught me compassion. Patience. Persistence. Courage.

They showed me by example how to keep my head up and my shoulders squared.

They taught me that a cheerful countenance is a natural antidepressant.

They helped me to believe that there was nothing I could not learn if I only applied myself, and nothing I could not do if only I would persist.

They showed me that a persons worth is intrinsic...granted to them because they ARE...not based upon their performance, or what they can DO.

I was taught to value life.

To accept differences.

To see beauty in everyone.

In short, while they could not anticipate the challenges I would face in my future they focused on giving me the tools I would need to face whatever came successfully.

So...no. We can never prepare our children for their specific situations. Their circumstances will depend upon the choices they make...and upon what is thrust on them by life.

But we CAN give them the tools they need to make wise choices.

We can can teach them by precept and example to navigate their circumstances cheerfully...persistently...courageously.

We can show them that regardless of what comes to them...joy or sorrow... patience, kindness, education, love, and faith will help them to find the answers they need.

In this way we do prepare our children to be successful adults who live and love with passion and purpose.

My precious friend is doing this with her children.

She is modeling daily how to rise above pettiness, challenge, offense, and difficult circumstances.

She is teaching them to win humbly and lose graciously.

She is teaching them persistence, patience, kindness, and courage.

She is teaching them gracious manners and the intrinsic worth of a person regardless of that person's abilities or lack thereof.

She is showing them the value of loyalty, truth, and patience.

She has taught them to be honest about how they feel and to be kind about how they express it.

She is teaching them the importance of education and the value of diligent application to their studies.

She has shown them how to be resilient, innovative, creative, and focused.

She has taught them the importance of seeing the long-term...of not sacrificing what they want MOST for what they want NOW.

Yes, dear friend.

You have taught them what they need to know, and whatever comes to your children they will have within themselves the tools they need to handle it with dignity, grace and courage.

Keep making memories and having fun..this, along with your many lessons, is what they will take into their futures.

And those futures are bright!